Oscar had been in and out of the hospital with major fluid in his lungs and congestive heart failure since November of 2010. Seemed as if he was always in hospital during the holidays. Was a very lonely holiday season for me. On Christmas Day he was apologizing for not getting me anything. I told him it was okay. I went shopping for him and he did buy me several really nice things! LOL
They would put a chest tube in him to drain the fluids and as soon as he was able they would send him home. Then maybe a few days, maybe a week, he'd be back in the ambulance on his way.
Early in the morning on Feb 14, 2011, he woke me up unable to breathe and asking me to call the ambulance, which I did. IF I had known they would have to intubate him on the way, I might have stopped them. However, it did give us a few more days.
Always before, I would stay home and wait for his call letting me know what was happening and where he was, his room number etc. Not this time!
Let me explain something here. Oscar and I did not make it a practice to spend hours in ERs or even in hospital rooms. We each would visit at least once a day and stay a while but not 'camp out' as some families did. When I did spend time in his hospital rooms I would find myself sitting and reading a book while he slept. We both felt that was a waste of time. When either of us was in the hospital we kept in touch with several phone calls each day and one, or maybe two, visits.
Remember that I had total knee replacement only a couple months before and was not even healed. Walking the long halls to visit was painful and exhausting. It seemed that they always put him in the furthest room possible from the door where I would park!
So when I woke up and found no phone messages, I immediately called the hospital to get information. The most they could tell me was that he was in ICU. ICU visits are short, few and far between in our hospital. I got information as to the times when I could visit and planned my day around them.
As soon as I was able to dress and take care of the dogs, I made my way to my beloved. I had to wait about 15 minutes until visiting time. I sat in the waiting room and was amazed! There were entire families in there camped out! They had chairs pulled together with pillows and blankets on them. Small children were in there doing what noisy small children will do. The waiting room was mayhem and I knew I wouldn't be back there.
When I finally got to see my man, he was still intubated and so very frustrated!! He couldn't talk, couldn't communicate his needs and desires! Very upsetting. I managed to get some paper and a pen from a nurse and he was so relieved. I still have those precious pieces of paper, as I have his last phone message on my computer. I love to listen to it sometimes and hear his voice saying "I love you!"
I finally got the doctor to understand that Oscar did NOT want intubation! And I think the medication they gave him to try and keep him calm gave him hallucinations. H
e kept telling me that they were trying to kill him!
We finally convinced the doctor to take the tube out, no matter what happened. Actually, Oscar got a bit better and was put in a regular room.
That Sunday I had a memorial service to attend and was a bit late to visit him. That service made me realize we needed to discuss his desires for his services, etc. Years before we had purchased our final services, including cremation. But what song did he want, what Bible passages, what words? Who did he want to do what eh?
So I was a bit late that Sunday and when I went into his room he appeared asleep. I kissed him on the forehead as I had done for nearly 10 years to wake him up. I have to smile when I think about what he said. "My wife is here!" How proud I was to be his wife.
By this time he had used the pen and paper to communicate with nurses and doctors. But even with the hoarseness he could talk. I used his notebook to write down his wishes. He did have a poem he wanted read and told me where to find it. He did want certain hymns sung by our choir. But mostly he left it up to me.
I spent a bit more time that day than usual, coming home well after dark. It was the first, and last time, he would ask me to stay. One of his nurses was the daughter of our neighbors. She got very upset hearing us talking about his services! I remember her saying "Do you want him to die?" Well no, of course I didn't but we both knew it wasn't going to be long.
When the doctor came in he was smiling and told Oscar they would be getting him up out of bed the next day and what breathing treatments he would have, etc. It gave me hope but turned out it was false hope.
When I went to visit the next day, Oscar was back in ICU! I must say I wasn't surprised. He was just a few months short of his 80th birthday. When we met, Oscar told me he felt he had 3 more years, that one day I would have to take care of him, nurse him. I was okay with that. The benefits of his love for me was worth it even for a few years. But God had other things in mind. Oscar and I were together just short of 10 years! We were married just short of 5 years! I never told him that each of my other marriages only lasted 5 years max! LOL So I was true to form.
Anyway, Oscar became very ill, in and out of real consciousness. One day when I went to visit he had been moved to another ICU area, actually a hallway that was being used for this purpose. WOW what a shock! So in and out, up and down, until that Wed. When I got there he was in a sitting position, they were able to make the bed into a chair sorta. He was wide awake! Had eaten breakfast and was working on lunch! I was able to see all of his beautiful blue eyes again! My heart sang! We had an amazing visit. I couldn't get very close for all the wires and tubes and such, but I did get my final kiss, not knowing it would be the last one.
I left the hospital that day feeling higher than a kite! Truly believing my beloved would come home again! Not to happen.
That was Wednesday, February 20th.
When I got to the hospital the next day he wasn't in that hallway! They had moved him to a room right next door. I found him in that semi conscious state. I kissed his forehead and he drew back from me. Wouldn't let me touch him at all. Couldn't, or didn't, communicate at all.
As I sat there with him the doctor came in. He was in tears. He told me that Oscar's organs were shutting down and he couldn't do anything more for him! I told him maybe it was time to let him go. Doc said "I love him!" I said "I love him too, but I don't want him to suffer." Doc assured me that they were keeping Oscar pain free. After the doc left I saw the chaplain pass the door. I called out to her and she came in, very happy to pray with us. I told her Oscar would reject her touch and he did. After she prayed with us I mentioned that doc had been crying. The chaplain explained to me that the family he had just left before he came to us had badgered him. Kept saying "you have to do something! you have to keep them alive." How sad. I was thrilled that I was able to relieve his heart at least about losing Oscar. They called in the hospice, I think, person and I had paperwork to sign. DNR, etc. They were going to move him to another floor, the cancer area, and closer to the morgue! lol I went home to rest for a while and check on my dogs.
Around 6 pm I was just finishing up getting ready to go back to the hospital when I got the call. A wonderful nurse called me to say that my beloved husband Oscar was gone. Not really a surprise but still a shock.
I asked her if he ever woke up and she told me he had opened his eyes, looked her in the face, closed his eyes and died. I've often wondered if he was looking for me, or making sure I wasn't there. It really doesn't matter. He knew how much I love him. Yup, I do still love him and I know he still loves me.